The following is a series of excerpts and adaption from Why Does He Do It? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft
Abuse does affect how abusive men parent. So, the question is how do these men look like as parents? At the center of abuse is the control and power issue; the abuser who views his wife or partner as a personal possession- never as an equal, rational partner. His possession and ownership mentality is likely to spill over to his children. Since children are family and are witnesses to the abuse their mother endures, it is impossible to escape the parenting abuse that comes with it. In addition, since children are helpless and ineffective in making their own stand, the abuser often uses them as a weapon against their mother. He uses them as pawns in his game of abuse. The abuse affects parenting because of the thinking that shapes the abusers behavior.
Entitlement
The selfishness and entitlement of an abuser causes them to see their children as subjects who are responsible for his wellbeing. Abusers expect their children to be responsible for their feelings and needs instead of vice-versa. For example, a mother may quieten the children out of fear that their
noise will upset their father. The abuser’s entitlement makes him believe that everyone around him must mind his mood, feelings and comfort- never the reverse. It is the abuser who is the adult and should be the one guiding children to behave, not children minding his feelings.
Externalization of Responsibility
It is always the mother’s fault. Just like the abuser blames the victim-say for the beatings (because she is stupid, does not listen etc), he will blame the mother for everything that goes wrong with the children. It is never his fault. He always shirks responsibility, expecting the mother to take over his
part of parenting while he still keeps his status of father. He also interferes and controls the good parenting of the mother and often finds fault in the parenting style, simply to make her lookinsignificant and incompetent.
Manipulative
The abuser will use gifts and sweet words to bond with the children and turn them against their mother, all the while abusing her. He wants the children to be on his side no matter how bad he behaves. This tactic is a favorite of the rich father, who dangles money and inheritance in front of his children regardless of how dreadful he is toward their mother. It does not matter how severe the abuse; children may look the other way not to lose their father’s favor.
Children are also manipulated to silence either by coercion using gifts or threats. They do not reveal their mother’s abuse to outsiders for fear of being harmed or fear of losing favors, wealth and parental affection. Children who dare to disclose become enemies to the abuser and may suffer
physical or emotional retaliation.
Superiority, Disrespect
Since the abuser ridicules the victim in front of the children, they may look down on their mother as they see her as weak. They are likely to internalize the negative behaviors they have picked from the abuser, such as disrespect. Some children may also begin to use the tactics of abuse used by their
father on their mother because they see how power and control gets him what he wants. Even for those who try to defend their mother, they may still see her as a weak, lesser human being trapped in a cycle of control and abuse, unable to master the courage to leave the abuser.
Possessiveness
Children are often treated with the same power and control issues directed to their mother. The abuser sees his children as objects that belong to him (ownership). Not all abuser do this, but in many cases of abuse this is what happens. It is impossible for them to treat children as people. Instead they
treat them as things to be owned. This objectifying of children often leads to abuse.
Stay tuned for part 2: The abusive man as a child abuser.
